Saturday, 09 August 2008
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Currently Listening
Ben Folds Five
By Ben Folds Five
see relatedLonely
I should have known that getting married wouldn't cure the feeling of being alone. I don't know why, but I've always had it. It's the feeling that nobody really understand me. (And getting married doesn't help, because everyone knows that men and women don't understand each other.) I feel like I must be different in some irreparable way, because my values and the logical connections in my mind don't match that of seemingly anyone else. I've often heard my friends talk about things that "everyone" does, or thinks, or struggles with, and I end up thinking, "Really? Does everyone else do or think or struggle with that?" Not that I've acheived some kind of higher state, it's just that whatever "everyone" is doing---good or bad--- is usually something that never even crossed my mind. And people wonder why I'm silent when it comes to conversations about pop culture. It tends to have the feeling of small talk, and I guess I'm not very good at that.
Every once in a while, I make a connection with someone. It's usually a male. My father once told me that there was no such thing as a man that just wanted to be my friend. I've hated him everyday for being right about that. I have to fight the temptation to get too close, because I know that if I do, my mind might turn in the direction that his may already be heading. Not that it would take much. I'm a born follower. I really enjoy doing what's expected of me. But as it turns out, the people with whom I tend to make the best connections are the people who struggle with the same sins as I do. Sin is the kind of misery that loves company.
So everyone needs an exit strategy. Here's mine: Don't exit. I commit in my heart to stay with them the extra mile. I commit to pray for them and to love them. As a married woman, the extra step is that I need to make sure that I'm doing that with my husband as well. I'm fairly convinced that lust comes out of insecurity and a need for intimacy. So I try to pursue intimacy with anyone who will stick around for it.
So if I do get lonely, it's my own fault. It's probably because I'm lazy.
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Comments (2)
I've felt unconnected, misunderstood, and unknown for much of my life as well. I actually think that more people feel that way then we realize. For me, it led to years of self-hatred, which caused more walls and intimacy issues. Recently, in the past 4 years or so, I've felt a slow change. God seems to be thawing my heart. Reading Brenning Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel really helped, but also deciding to "tell the truth" about exactly how I was feeling to God, my husband, sister, and one other girlfriend helped me to feel heard - perhaps not wholly understood, but definitely validated and heard. I think that is starting to be enough...I find myself thinking more and more about how lucky I am and how loved I am...
Alone is such a complex thing. When we want to take time to think we usually (hope you are included in this generalization) want to be alone. Isn't that strange?
My lonliness takes shape differently, but has the same effect. Am I the only one who thinks like this? I thought about being alone for awhile. Loneliness is really the antithesis of God. He exists in communion and birthed community in creation. His design for mankind (after His Triunity-no that is not in the dictionary
) was to promote connectedness and togetherness. Our desire for true communion is woven into our tapestry. Because of this, it only seems fitting that the most common denominator for fallen humanity is feeling alone. Our curse, our plague, our insecurities are all rooted in this basic dismantling of the Triune picture of our God.
As far as you connecting usually with men... My mother (a good theologian as yourself) often finds connecting with women difficult. And like you she is beautiful and talented musically. Sorry for your plot in this life story. She has recounted to me several times how she usually connects better with men but can rarely do so. What say I? Nothing really would help. If all are cursed with alienation and lonliness then what could one say? The ways which we feel alone are as numerous as there are individuals who have the feeling. Our only solace is knowing that Shalom will come. Wholeness and truest communion will arrive with songs of praise. And when that day is finally here we will all sing "Hallelujah, we are one even as Jesus and the Father are one!"
Cheers to you and yours.